Breakfast at the Mansion
by Be Kat
Summary: Breakfast with the xmen. Need I say anything else? Jean meditates on the health of bread, and everything else is chaos


**Disclaimer: **I don't own the x-men or anything attached to them. I _do _own a copy of the movies, but apparently that doesn't count... I don't own Lucky Charms either, although I certainly eat enough of them.

**Summery: **What do the x-men do at breakfast? Well, if they were anything like _my _family, this fic would be only two words long - they eat. But, since they **are **the x-men, instead they have accidents and misunderstandings one after another, not to mention quite a few threats. No x-men were permanently harmed during the writing of this fiction.

**Breakfast with the X-Men**

Kitty awoke groggily at the irritating sound of her alarm clock. Another early morning. If only she didn't have to get up so early... but then, she didn't have any other choice. It was either this or skip breakfast. She drug herself downstairs in a robe, expecting to be the first in the kitchen, only to see a yellow shape already bustling around the counters.

Wolverine shot out of bed at the sound of a pot clanging in the kitchen. Somebody was eating before him? Growling, he pulled on some clothes and snuck into the kitchen. Army crawling silently around the countertops, he carefully reached out with one hand and grabbed the back of a yellow-clad knee, placing pressure on just the right spot...

"WOOO HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Jubilee collapsed, attacked by a case of convulsive giggles. Kitty chose that moment to swoop through the kitchen and grab the last two eggs from the refrigerator while her two competitors were busy. Unfortunately for her, Rogue also chose that moment to enter the kitchen, yawning and pulling on her gloves. Sighting Kitty with the eggs, her favorite breakfast dish, the southern beauty froze.

"Kitty, ah warn ya, hand over tha eggs." Rogue's green eyes glittered as she slowly peeled off her right glove. Kitty, stuck between the proverbial rock (a yellow hairy mass that was the scuffling Wolverine and Jubilee) and a hard place (the life-sucking hungry mutant in front of her), shook her head and clutched the eggs closer to her modest bosom.

Rogue let loose a banshee screech of rage and charged the trembling Kitty. Scared substance-less, Kitty stood immobile as Rogue ran straight through her and then stopped dead as her feet froze to the tiles. Bobby Drake had arrived.

Charging past the swearing Rogue, Bobby grabbed the bread Jubilee had been about to make French toast from and shoved it in the toaster. Forced to jump on the counter to avoid the rolling bundle that was Logan/Jubilee, Iceman crouched on the stove and waited for his toast.

Kitty saw her chance and dashed for the stove and Jubilee's pan. Cracking her eggs, she quickly whipped the mixture together and set it on the open flame Bobby had obligingly moved aside for. She rubbed her hands together gleefully. Rogue _hated _scrambled eggs. She was now safe with her prize.

Or so she thought. Jean and Scott arrived together, both fully dressed. Jean narrowed her eyes at the still stuck Rogue and then switched her intense gaze to Kitty. They were her only fellow contestants in the egg race, and she was determined to win today's round. Jean held her hand out and turned it slowly. Kitty watched in horror as her nearly finished eggs tipped onto a plate and started to levitate towards the redhead at the foot of the stairs.

"Noooooo!" Kitty lunged for the plate, only to trip over the reconciling Jubilee and Logan. Jubilee, nursing a bruised elbow for all it was worth from the apologetic Wolverine, yelped as Kitty fell through her and into the lab below. Wolverine instantly took the opportunity afforded by Jean's and Jubilee's distracted attentions to scrape a forkful of eggs off the plate passing above his head

"Ooof!"

Dr. McCoy awoke to find a substantial Kitty unconscious after hitting his solid form from the ten foot drop off the ceiling. Staring incomprehensively at the limp form on his stomach, Beast blinked blearily, then sniffed the air. Toast! He could smell toast! The blue doctor suddenly realized that it had been nearly forty-eight hours since he had eaten, and some rare steak sounded pretty good right now. Throwing on a lab coat, he tipped Kitty onto the lab futon after checking her pulse and breathing and dashed upstairs to the kitchen.

Jean, having gotten her eggs minus the forkful eaten by Logan, was sitting serenely in the eye of a storm. Calmly deflecting a plate from her husband as he tried to get past Jubilee who was now intent on reclaiming her toast from Bobby, she chewed thoughtfully. Her reverie was broken as Beast walked by, straight into a frozen flung plate from Bobby. Iceman yelped in horror. "Dr. McCoy, I'm so sorry!" Jubilee managed to get one slice of toast before Bobby retaliated by freezing the formerly warm slice into a hard slab of ice. Jubilee screamed as fireworks exploded in the kitchen.

Jean ducked one of Jubilee's sparklers and picked up the empty bread bag. Reading the calories off the back, she tried to figure out the percent calories when compared to the percent sugar of white bread and whole wheat. She swatted irritably at the frozen chunk of bread that whizzed by her face, thrown by the furious Jubilee.

Scott, dodging flying plasma energy, finally achieved his goal; the box of Lucky Charms next to the refrigerator. Pulling out a carton of milk, he hastily poured a bowl of the cereal and added some milk. Watching the still dueling Bobby and Jubilee, Cyclops decided it was safer to eat his Lucky Charms by the refrigerator rather than drawing attention to his food by walking over to the table.

Jubilee began to feel faint with hunger. Her sparklers started to fade, then all fizzled out with a faint _pop_ as she collapsed at Bobby's feet. Bobby, thankful that the competition for his toast was now out cold (even without his help), darted to the refrigerator and pulled out some butter. He eyed Scott's cereal with a calculating look, but quickly withdrew when Scott placed a warning hand to his visor.

Wolverine and Beast emerged from the garage freezer, each holding what looked to be half a cow. Slamming the frozen steaks down on the counter, Wolverine reached casually out and caught an emerging Pyro by the collar. Beast walked over, and two sets of feral eyes stared at St. John. Swallowing nervously, the pyrokinetic looked from one growling man to the other and tried to decide which was more dangerous; three inch incisors or ten inch adamantium claws. Logan tapped his knuckles warningly on the young mutant's throat.

"You gonna thaw this meat for us bub, or do we have to do it ourselves?"

Jean, staring off into space, decided that white bread was unhealthier than whole wheat, and set out to figure if bleached or unbleached flour made any difference in the number of carbs.

St. John, having thawed the meat for Wolverine and Beast, left them happily slapping the bloody slabs into a pan. He had just about decided that maybe he wasn't so hungry after all when he noticed Jean's rapt expression and dangling fork over an unattended plate of scrambled eggs. Purloining the plate and the fork, Pyro decided he had come off well from a breakfast at the mansion for once, only to have Remy walk in and calmly re-steal the plate from him. Scratching his unshaved chin with a queen of hearts, Gambit looked inquisitively at the furious St. John.

"Gambit tinking that Pyro mind sharing his eggs?"

Pyro shook his head and instead swiped Scott's Lucky Charm box on the way out. Scott was busy trying to eat his cereal before it froze, courtesy of Iceman, who was still sore about the threatening visor-trick.

Rogue finally managed to get her feet thawed and unstuck from the floor, only to see the last bite of egg disappear down Remy's throat. She started to charge the resident Cajun, then tripped over Jubilee, who was starting to revive from her faint. The two women, tangled together on the floor, decided to form a conspiracy to steal the orange juice before Xavier came downstairs.

Tiptoeing over to the fridge, Rogue actually had her hand on the carton when the entire scene froze. Xavier wheeled calmly in and took the orange juice from Rogue, who rolled her eyes desperately though frozen in place. He started the coffee pot and sat serenely still, watching Wolverine's current steak sizzling away in the pan. When he decided it was done to his taste, he scooped the steak out, poured himself a cup of coffee, and wheeled out again. The scene unfroze the moment the door to the elevator closed.

Wolverine, growling, slammed another slice of bloody meat onto the pan. Beast shook his head, and decided that perhaps the entire idea of cooking was overrated. He took his four pieces of steak and went back downstairs to eat them. Kitty, still unconscious on the futon, nevertheless could apparently smell the cooking steak upstairs. A loud gurgle from her stomach split the silence. Beast, sighing, put an I.V. drip in her arm and went back to his raw cow.

Wolverine sat down with a stack of dripping and steaming steaks in front of him. Popping his claws, he placed them diagonally across each other and cut through the stack of meat. Sixteen neat little stacks of steak lay ready for the hungry mutant, and he wasted no time in eating the meal, growling at anyone who looked in his direction.

Jean, shaking herself from a distant computation of the relative health benefits of eating sourdough verses normal bread, noticed her missing eggs for the first time. She was unable to find a culprit as Remy, Pyro, and Kitty were all unavailable, and Rogue was busy flirting with Bobby in the hopes of stealing his next slice of bread in the toaster. She stood and stalked out, dragging Scott with her. Scott, who had been frenziedly searching through cupboards trying to remember what he had done with the Lucky Charms box, unhappily followed his wife out of the kitchen still hungry.

Jubilee decided that oranges were almost as good as orange juice, and fled with the entire five-pound bag of mandarin oranges.

Kitty, downstairs, woke and looked at the clock. Maybe if she hurried back upstairs she could get started on lunch before everybody else arrived...


End file.
